When your child is in meltdown, it’s tempting to think of them as ‘misbehaving’.
True, their behaviour might be extremely inconvenient!
But thinking this way is not going to lead you to the right solution.
It’s more helpful to think of their brain as being ‘overwhelmed’.
Scientifically, we might say their brain is being flooded with cortisol.
If it were a computer, we might say it was running survival code.
When you think of their tiny little brain being so overwhelmed in those moments, the solution makes more intuitive sense:
Co-regulation.
Co-regulation means that your child ‘borrows’ your calmness, until they can find their own.
You regulate yourself, and thereby also your child.
(It’s the opposite of getting angry and shouting at them!)
In a moment of meltdown, the key thing you’re trying to transmit is safety.
However you can transmit that, do it.
It’s useful to have some words in your back pocket, especially if your child is braced for blame.
Try:
— “That didn’t go how you wanted, huh?”
— “Let’s take a minute. I’ll stay nearby.”
— “I’m not angry. I just want to understand.”
Some kids have a tendency to shame spiral, and these words can interrupt that pattern, providing a feeling of safety that will help them get back on their feet.
Say it with a calm, casual tone, like it’s nothing.
Maybe at the same time concentrate on doing the washing up, or tying your shoelace — anything that brings the temperature of the moment down.
Over time, this becomes safety, and safety becomes trust, and trust becomes the foundation for lots of other conversations.
