In the entire history of the world, saying ‘Calm down!’ during a meltdown has NEVER actually made someone calm down.
Here’s what actually works:
(As CEO of Koru Kids, I mostly write about parenting. So this post is about kids. But as you’ll see, it’s also frequently applicable to grownups!)
When a kid is having a tantrum, their nervous system is in deep distress.
If we respond with logic, demands, or discipline, we miss the point.
The brain’s ‘threat system’ is in charge, and NOTHING rational is getting through.
Over the past few years, I’ve collected calming phrases from therapists, educators, and emotionally skilled parents.
These 7 made the biggest difference in our home:
1. “You’re having a big feeling. I’m right here with you.”
This lets your child borrow your calm, instead of escalating for attention.
2. “I believe you.”
Instead of arguing about whether it’s ‘a big deal,’ you skip the power struggle and meet them where they are.
3. “Your feelings make sense.”
Even if the behaviour isn’t okay, the emotion behind it usually is.
4. “I’m not upset with you. I’m here to help you through this.”
This resets the relationship. No shame, just safety.
5. “It’s okay to feel angry. I won’t let you hurt yourself or anyone else.”
Clear boundary, warm tone.
6. “Take your time. I’m not going anywhere.”
So much of a meltdown is panic that love will be withdrawn. This solves for that.
7. **“We’ll get through this together.”**
Connection first. Always.
See the carousel below for more detail and tips on these.
The aim is this: your child feels they don’t have to fight to be understood… so they stop fighting.
