Big claim…. but it’s true!
Most parenting falls into one of 4 basic categories:
1. Authoritarian: lots of rules (highly controlling), but little warmth
2. Permissive: very warm, but few or no rules
3. Neglectful: not warm and also no rules
4. Authoritative: offering both structure and support
It’s the final style that decades of development research have shown beats every other parenting style.
Crucially, this is the style that combines ‘high standards’ with ‘high support’.
The others either have low standards, or not enough support.
To explain how it’s different to the others, here’s how they all might look in a real moment:
Your child forgets their homework.
đ The authoritarian parent says, âThat’s unacceptable! OK, you’re not going to see your friend tonight. No excuses!â
đThe permissive parent says, “Donât worry about it darling, it’s so tricky to remember, isn’t it?”
(This one is actually even worse than it appears. Itâs insidiously harmful: over time, your children conclude you donât believe theyâre capable of better.)
đThe neglectful parent has no idea it happened.
đ¤¨The authoritative parent keeps standards high but offers support:
âYou need to remember it from now on. Let’s set an Alexa reminder at 745am for the next two weeks to get you in the habit.”
I personally find this mental frame incredibly helpful for thinking about how to develop resilience and independence in my kids without overwhelming them.
If your brain works like mine, perhaps you will too!
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