“I snapped at my toddler last week when he spilled juice and instantly thought, ‘That wasn’t me. That was my mum’.”
When my friend told me this over a coffee, I thought she was brilliantly insightful.
What she’d done wasn’t abusive or cruel. It was actually tiny – just a reflexive snap! But she didn’t like it.
“That’s not the parent I want to be,” she told me.
In touch with her emotions, my friend recognised what was going on: her toddler had stirred a deep memory from her own childhood.
She remembered the shame of being called ‘clumsy’, and a parent who cared more about clean carpets than her crying.
What’s going on inside when that happens is this:
The brain stores emotional memories, especially painful ones, in the amygdala.
When your child’s behaviour feels like those memories, your nervous system reacts very fast — before your rational mind kicks into gear.
You can try to never get triggered, but that’s setting yourself up for failure.
You’re probably never going to achieve it, and then you’ll just feel bad.
A better goal is to spot it and then pause for long enough to regain your composure and not pass it on.
Try saying:
— “I need a minute. That hit something old.”
— “I’m back. That reaction wasn’t about you.”
— “Let’s try again.”
Cycle-breaking can be full of stumbles, and really hard work.
But think of the impact across multiple generations and you’ll see that it might be the most important work you’ll ever do.
