Each one of my three kids has gone through a stage of saying, “It’s not fair.”
And honestly, I find it triggering.
Because I try so hard to be fair!
But here’s what I’ve learned:
When a child says “That’s not fair,” they’re often not looking for logic.
Instead, they’re dysregulated.
Flooded, frustrated, or sometimes just tired or hungry.
Rather than explain, reason or negotiate, I’ve learned to instead say this:
“I can hear that you’re upset. That makes sense.”
[Pause. Breathe.]
“And the decision stays the same.”
Of course, there are moments — especially with older children — when a genuine conversation about fairness is helpful.
Tweens and teens (roughly age 10+) are beginning to think abstractly, reason about justice, and want to be heard.
They deserve that respect (but not in the heat of a meltdown).
For younger children (say, ages 2 to 9), long explanations often do more harm than good.
Their brains aren’t developmentally ready to process complex fairness arguments while upset.
Young children interpret fairness mostly in black-and-white terms — and are especially prone to perceived injustice when emotionally overwhelmed.
If you launch into explanations mid-meltdown, it often:
– Feeds the sense of injustice
– Keeps them stuck in the grievance loop
– Misses the real need, which is co-regulation
What brings them back is your calm presence, not your explanation.
